After a whirlwind
April, May came and brought bronchitis, leaving me with a lot of time in bed,
contemplating the universe and my purpose in it. Free time and cold medicine are never a good
combination for me; my mind tends to run even more than my nose. Monotony + Mucinex = Existential Crisis.
To put all of
this in perspective, a brief synopsis of the past month: first, I covered
Zemire in Zemire und Azor at
Liederkranz Opera. In the cover
“performance,” I realized just how elated I become every time I perform an
operatic role. This role was a big one
to learn, but the payoff came at the end of the onerous aria before the finale of
the opera. It was thrilling to bring my
own ideas and opinions to the role and make some really exciting musical and
dramatic choices. It was difficult to
return to my small speaking role for the remaining performances, almost
like a postpartum letdown. Since the
opera closed, I’ve been dwelling on the painful question, “Will I ever get to
sing a role again, or am I doomed to be an understudy (at best)?” Watching friends leave for their prestigious
summer apprenticeships feels like extra salt in the wound.
Meanwhile, as I fear
my operatic career has stalled, my day job has ascended to a position with more
responsibility and commitment. I enjoy
working in the field of health and weight loss, but it sometimes tempts me to
lose sight of my musical aspirations and settle for something less fulfilling,
but also less heartbreaking. I know if I
throw in the towel now, I’ll lose the pain of the operatic rejection, but in
time, I’ll gain long-term resentment.
The
more these big life issues weigh on my and circle around my ailing head, the
more I start to ponder the return of Saturn.
Until recently, I thought Saturn
Returns was just an Adam Guettel composition, but it is also said to be an
event in a person’s life that takes place around age twenty-eight, when Saturn
returns to its original degree in orbit as when the person was born. This occurrence can bring sobering, critical
realities and lead to momentous life choices.
It explains why my Facebook feed is constantly announcing new relationships,
engagements, and new babies from everyone my age. My brother was twenty-eight when he got
married and made a significant career commitment as well. He was the first to tell me about Saturn’s
return. The celebrity deaths that fall
into the category “27 Club” are often attributed to this cosmic occurrence as
well. I don’t have any strong opinions
regarding the cause of death of Amy Winehouse, but I know I’m feeling a strong
pull to make changes in my own life.
Maybe it’s something in the galaxy, maybe it’s something in the pile of
bills that keeps growing, but something in me is stirring.
Since I’m often
convinced the universe revolves around me, this orbital occurrence is very
distressing. I’m spending a lot of time
contemplating my values, priorities, and dreams. I am not going to blame the galaxy (entirely)
on my shortcomings; instead I am going to dedicate myself to mastering my own
trajectory. I’ve probably spent far too
much time obsessing over each moment of my previous auditions, but I’m trying
to get at the root of what is keeping me from reaching my goal of working as an
artist on a more regular basis. I feel
like I’m hitting an invisible wall while singing. Is one of those planetary rings
obstructing my path? I need to play
Space Invaders on my own impediments. While
I continue my attempts at bettering myself in front of a casting panel, I also
want to cast myself in a completely new project, something that will be
tailored to my passions and peculiarities.
I plan to develop this artistic project just as I plan to develop myself
as an artist. Since I am in the planning
stages still, I have little more to divulge, but I’m announcing this project to
you because telling you and the universe will keep me committed. After all, once you say something on the
internet, it must be true!
I also plan to use this summer to explore
other craters on my little planet. I am
attending retreats to increase my focus on Alexander Technique and improv. I will refine my spine and my sense of humor. I
also long for some warmth from a son… as in a young single gentleman (from
Mars, perhaps?). I don’t want to
explore the final frontier alone. Even
if a summer romance burns out like a white dwarf (hell, he could even BE a
white dwarf), it could guide me to the next constellation in my galaxy. (I wanted to make an astronaut reference at
this point, but I worried word play with Tang would be horribly misconstrued.)
If Leonard Nimoy
hadn’t spoken at the Boston University College of Fine Arts commencement this
past week, I don’t know if I would have looked to the stars for guidance. With that, I’ll polish off this Milky Way
bar, then put one pointy ear to the ground and the other to the sky in order
make the best of this orbit. May we all
find our place in this universe as we do our best to live long and prosper.
It is far
better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion,
however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan
I'm astounded
by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your
way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen
